Losing weight isn't something i've always felt comfortable talking about: I get asked quite often about my weight loss, what I did and how I did it. The attention can be nice, but at the same time, I think it's important to talk about all the baggage that comes with it, often it is not as great as it seems. After posting a flashback photo on Instagram the other day, I decided it would be worthwhile for me and anyone reading this, to talk all about it.
My weight loss journey began in March 2011, at the age of 20. At 5ft 11inches and weighing 15.5 stone (217 pounds). On the BMI scale that gave me a score of 30.2, which is classed as just "obese". Firstly let me state: Yes i was fat, but obese - no. I find the BMI scale a bit silly, I'm not saying it isn't useful, as I'm far from academic enough to rubbish it. I had high blood pressure, I was inactive but overwhelmingly - I didn't care. I genuinely thought I was ok, I knew I was fat, but I thought I was just normal. I wore XL clothes, with a waist of around 36 inches, and by March 2011 I noticed that the XL clothes were starting to get "snug".
After recieving some bad personal news on a day in March, I had a "I hate myself" moment where I looked in the mirror and thought jesus, what a state. (awful but true!). With the help of my mum, I decided to give the atkins a go. I decided on a diet of two omlettes a day, with a chicken and vegetable tea and snacks of cheese strings, and chicken pieces throughout the day. Immediately it worked, and within 2 weeks I'd lost 9 pounds, within a month well over a stone. I set myself targets, and near enough killed myself with workouts on the crosstrainer everyday, desperately trying to lose more and more. By the end of summer, I'd lost 3 stone, weighing in at 12.5 stone (175 pounds).
When I returned to University after the summer, the compliments only helped to push me further. Whilst I was happy with my new found appearance, and fitting into a size medium now, I still wanted more & kept the diet steady, ate healthily and by christmas had lost another stone, weighing 11.5 stone (161 pounds). I looked great at this weight, and was so so happy with myself. This was probably one of my happiest christmases ever. Because I was so happy, I did what most weigh losers do and forgot about being good, and just went for it. By the end of christmas I got weighed to find I'd put on half a stone.
I cant explain in words the panic that this caused. Losing weight gives you a new lease of life, and the scales that day made me feel like I was losing my grip of what I had achieved. I think for me this was the moment I went wrong, instead of not panicking and just keeping up my good healthy eating, I went into a full scale mission to lose weight. From that day on I let negative thoughts take over, I told myself I was ugly and fat and beat myself up about it every single day. At first I cut down what I ate in half, any meal I had I would eat only half of it. I would walk everywhere during the day, killing myself on the cross trainer at night.
By February 2012, I had stopped eating enough food to function. I was surviving on a diet of diet coke, weight watches crisps, fat free jelly pots and slices of toast. I had also started obsessively weighing myself, at least 5 times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day. I began going to weigh houses at the market and getting weighed a few times a week, obsessed with getting tinier. Shopping for food was a nightmare, I found myself feeling full of anxiety and checking the calories on every single thing I bought. Things only got worse and some days I would eat little more than half a sandwich, or a bowl of cereal a day.
In under a year, I'd lost 6 stone, weighing a frail 9.5 stone (133 pounds), far too skinny for my 5ft 11 frame and giving me a BMI of 18.5, which is classed as a healthy weight. Yet another reason why I think it is a ludicrous scale. My bones and ribs jutted out, I looked emaciated and felt faint and dizzy most of the day.
I truly believe that without the kind words and support of one of my best friends, things would have only got worse, and I would have spiralled out of control. I slowly, through encouragement from my friend, began eating more day by day, and never looked back. Since then, I've put on a stone and a half and weigh a healthy 11 stone (154 pounds). I am truly happy with myself now and would never ever go back to the ways of when I was fat, or when I was skinny.
This is my true weight loss story. It is not fabricated & not many people know the extent of what actually happened and why. In some respects I do think I had a an eating disorder, but in others I don't, as I think it would be wrong for me to pretend I was as ill as some people with serious problems. In summary, what I was trying to say by posting this was that whilst weight loss is great, and has made me a better person than I was, it also caused me some of the worst times of my life. To anyone reading this I would say - if you aren't absolutely desperate, do not do a crash diet. I really believe that they cause negative/bad thoughts and habits and caused me to lose control of my own body. To anyone going through a similar thing and not lucky enough to have a caring best friend like I did - just tell anybody. It's the first step to regaining control.
I am a shining example of the benefits and losses of weight loss and it has made me who I am today in so many ways. Weight loss isn't all about the before and after pictures. It's about the story behind it. Good luck to anyone in your own weight loss journeys, and I hope you enjoyed reading about mine and take something from it, as it wasn't the easiest thing to share.
Take care xxxx
